I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
