he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He did a backflip because drugs
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