I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize