Swine flu is the new snow day.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
