Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
