Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
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We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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