Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
