I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
