my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
