so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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