we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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