now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
