I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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