Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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