I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
