I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
