i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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