you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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