he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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