I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
