I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
