dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
