Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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