you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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