call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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