Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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