if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
