as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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