Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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