jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
