Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
