he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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