i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I didn't notice because vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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