I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
