I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
