Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize