You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So squirting runs in the family.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
