Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
