I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
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I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.