I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.