Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
birth control should be required to get into college
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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