I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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