I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
