sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked my hip out of place.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize