Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
even my farts smell like vagina
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
