note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
