I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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