She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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