so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
