The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
