I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
