i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
