i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
