Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
