I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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