it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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