Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
